this is not just grief.
this is love that has nowhere left to go.
♡
6
months we were together
Six   Years
I've been carrying it.
and I always will.
keep going
01 - before I knew

I was falling for you while you were already somewhere else.

Not somewhere.
Someone.

And the worst part -
I thought everything was real.
Because for me, it was.

Every cold touch. Every fake "I'm tired." Every lying text. I thought it was me.

I spent years rewinding every conversation.
Every silence.
Every moment I thought I'd done something wrong.

I hadn't done anything wrong.
I was just in love.

02 - the thing you did
You
Chose
Him.

While I was loyal.
While I was real.
While I was completely, fully yours.

You didn't just cheat.
You chose your brother.
And you looked me in the eyes
like none of it was happening.

every lie you told to my face
every night I texted and you didn't answer
every time I said "what's wrong" and you said "nothing"
every moment I made myself smaller so you'd stay comfortable
every second I spent wondering if I was the problem
every time I still wanted you anyway - and hated myself for it

All of it.
Because of him.
Because of you.

03 - what six years feels like

Six months with you.
Six years haunted by it.

Do you understand what that math means?

You got six months of whatever that was to you.
I got six years of waking up with a hollow chest.
Six years of some days being fine -
and then a song plays, or a smell, or nothing at all,
and it's right back.

Some nights I still feel it - that specific knife. Right in the center. The one that only you put there.

things I lost the ability to trust without flinching
things I lost three years before I could let anyone close again
things I lost the version of me that believed people completely
things I lost sleep. dignity. time I'll never get back.

And even now - after all of it -
I still love you.

That's the part I don't know what to do with.
Not the anger.
Not the years.
The fact that I love you
and I always will
and I will never be able to show you again.

Mackenzie

The only rotten thing was you.
Not me.

I was loyal.
I was real.
I was right here.

And somewhere in me -
I still am.

That's the cruelest part.

THE PART THAT DOESN'T RESOLVE

LOVE/HATE

I hate what you did. I still love who I thought you were.

the wound is still warm
what no one tells you

You can love someone
and still refuse to be destroyed by them.

You can carry them in your chest
like a quiet, permanent weight
and still choose yourself.

You can say goodbye
and still grieve
and still - somehow - love them.

04 - what I'm done doing

I'm done making myself smaller
to fit inside a nightmare
you created.

I carried your guilt.
I carried your secrets.
I carried the weight of something
that was never mine to carry.

And I loved you through every single second of it.

I'm dropping the bag right here.
Not because I stopped caring.
Because I'm still here -
and you're not worth losing me too.

This is not forgiveness.
This is not moving on for you.
This is me choosing myself -
while still carrying you.

I'm Waking Up.

Six months doesn't get six more years.
Six months doesn't get one more sleepless night.
Six months doesn't get to live rent-free anymore.

Goodbye, Mackenzie.
I'll love you from a distance I'm finally choosing.

not because I stopped.
but because some love
only gets to live
inside you.